On my journal

50 shades of blue

I posted a little rant on Instagram a few months back about how weird life can be and how, sometimes, even the best days can feel unbearable.  It’s since been deleted because I’m annoying and constantly erase photos I no longer deem ‘worthy’, but I feel like the message is too important to let go.

Today is one of those days for me. No sudden drags or any one event that could bring along this dark cloud, and yet here it is. I don’t suffer from depression. I don’t have an awful life. Quite the contrary, actually; my life is brilliant. I am a lucky woman, blessed beyond belief with more loved ones than I could name (100% more than I deserve). I never have to worry about a roof over my head or food on my table. I’ve got a good job with a steady income and I don’t find my work absolutely dreadful like so many others that I know. I’m reassured often of how much I am appreciated and how, if needed, my people would drop everything to be there for me and past misfortunes have shown this all to be true. I know that I’m not alone here. I know that I am one of the lucky ones

..BUT SOMETIMES LIFE IS STILL REALLY FUCKING HARD FOR NO APPARENT REASON AT ALL. Being human is weird like that. Even if you can’t find one single thing wrong about the life that you are living, you still find yourself inside of those lows. It drives me nuts to hear things like, “I just wish I could always be as happy as you” or “as strong” or “have a life like yours” because you guys only get to see the bits that I LET YOU SEE. Think about that. I’m a normal person, too. Sometimes I feel like sinking into my couch and staying there for weeks. Sometimes school makes me feel so utterly incompetent that I want to give up and you know what? Sometimes I do! I’ve taken courses multiple times, each time drowning the exact way I promised myself I would never do again. Sometimes I have to overdraft my bank account just to get enough gas in my tank to make it into work. I’ve got credit card bills out the ass and do you think that puts a damper on my spending habits or makes me realize that I need to come up with a better budget plan? No. I don’t always make the best decisions. There are things that I could beat myself up for, but I try my hardest not to because, in the end, every moment for us is a learning experience.

It’s okay to not always be okay. Sometimes the space between pulses feel numb themselves. You’re like a sponge hunting for hydration. You get overwhelmed with a seeking, searching feeling- a missing, a longing, a vastness of emptiness with stabs of remorse, sorrow, and so on. You’re empty and all you want is to just feel full again.

I try not to wallow in those moments, but to sip at them like bitter medicine instead. Just as quickly as that dark cloud moves into your horizon, it passes. You’re greeted with a bright blue sky and sunshine that warms your skin. That thought, for me, is like an anchor to hang onto when I feel like I might get engulfed.

This is what living is all about. These moments keep you humble. Let them ground you so you can grow into a stronger person. Life is just one big ride filled with ups and downs and if you’re reading this and you’re just having a shit day, whether or not you know why, just know that you aren’t alone and that it will pass. It always does.


Also, may I recommend a good cup of tea and a slice of that gooey-kind-of-cheese pizza? That makes it pass quicker.

& a little Alexi Murdoch never hurt nobody







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